When “Help” Isn’t Helpful

I read something recently about what it really means to help someone, and it immediately reminded me of the challenges hidden in trying to help.

On the surface, it feels so positive. I mean, who doesn’t want to be helpful? Who doesn’t appreciate someone willing to lend a hand? But help is more complicated than it seems. Whenever there are good intentions driving behavior without shared understanding, we set ourselves up for stepping into potential potholes. That couldn’t be more true than when good intentions rest on assumptions instead of clarity. In fact, help – when misunderstood – can sometimes get in the way of growth, development, and even trust.

Here’s what I mean.

Help is often shaped more by the giver than the receiver. We jump in with what we think someone needs, or what we’d want in their place, without pausing long enough to consider: “What would actually be most useful for them right now?” Our intentions are good, but our assumptions can be wrong.

Workplace dynamics and culture can complicate this even more. Too often, there’s a long-standing belief that asking for help looks like weakness. This isn’t necessarily a sign that something is wrong with an individual or a team. It’s bigger than that. There is a deeply ingrained business mindset, one that persists even as we talk more about inclusion, empowerment, and collaborative culture. The leader says, “Let me know if you need anything,” but the person hearing it thinks, If I take you up on that, you’ll question whether I can handle the job or that I’m not as capable as everyone else here. The result? Leaders offer help to look supportive. Employees avoid asking to look competent. Nobody gets what they need.

Bias also plays a role. Whether we want to admit it or not, stereotypes still shape our perceptions of who “needs” help. The new hire. The youngest person in the room. The working parent. The woman. The person of color. As a result, well-meaning help isn’t neutral. It’s based on implicit assumptions about ability, resilience, and strength.

And then there’s the question of what help actually means.

• Is it doing for someone?

• Is it showing them how?

• Is it stepping in to fix, or stepping back to guide?

Because those differences matter.

When leaders jump in to fix, the immediate problem might disappear, but so does the chance for someone else to wrestle with it, learn, and grow. The subtle message is: I don’t trust you to handle this. Over time, that erodes confidence for both the employee and the leader.

When leaders shift from fixing to guiding, the whole dynamic changes. Help becomes less about rescuing and more about building capacity. It’s less about “let me take this off your plate” and more about “let me walk beside you while you figure this out.” That kind of help leaves people stronger, not smaller.

For help to be both offered and received in a healthy way, the environment matters as much as the intention. People need to trust that asking won’t be judged, and that accepting support won’t cost them credibility. That means psychological safety has to be more than a buzzword. It has to be a lived reality. Leaders have to show, through everyday actions, that vulnerability isn’t punished and competence isn’t questioned when someone reaches out. A culture of support, reciprocity, and respect creates the conditions where help is no longer about power or perception, but about partnership. Without that, even the best-intentioned offers can land as risky, performative, or insincere.

So maybe the real question isn’t how can I help? but what kind of help is most useful here? Sometimes it really is stepping in. Sometimes it’s simply listening. Sometimes it’s asking a question that unlocks clarity the other person already has inside them.

The best leaders don’t confuse helping with rescuing. They don’t confuse fixing with empowering. And they recognize that their job isn’t to solve every problem, but to create the conditions where others can solve them.

The best kind of help doesn’t just make things easier in the moment. It builds confidence, trust, and capability that last well beyond the immediate problem. Each time we offer or ask for help in a way that honors agency and respects competence, we’re shaping culture. We’re saying this is a place where growth matters more than appearances, and where support is a sign of strength, not weakness. That kind of help doesn’t only solve today’s challenge, it develops tomorrow’s leaders and strengthens the fabric of the team for the long run.